Friends celebrate the word "No" and the heartbreaks more enthusiastically than the triumphs. I push myself and through hurt I'm rewarded with comfort, affection, and Jack Daniel's. Someone who thinks of me and worries about my pain. It's funny. That's a deeper love than I've felt in the past three and a half years.

Two of my friends just now going through breakups the same week.

She calls leaving a voice mail saying she still loves me... Wants to hear my voice. I know lies when I hear them. I'm a different man now.

Someone who roots for me and doesn't understand when I'm not wanted. I like that idea. Friends have such a gift for seeing good in you when nobody else can. A sense of belonging. A sense of shared amusement and sorrow and food.

"I choose to let you in because that's where I want you and if you can't do the same then get the fuck out of my life." I say these words like I've said before. Some are speechless, some walk away, but the most valuable stay. It's not that I don't feel pain; it's that I can squish it and throw it away just so I can absorb all your pain for greater understanding. It's the least I can do.

To weed out. To find where you stand. To better understand. It's like shoving your hand into a rose bush. Sometimes the thorns tear up your flesh and sometimes you find something beautiful, even though it's unexpected. Speak your mind. You never know what the answer might be and no matter what happens you'll be rewarded with knowledge.

On the other side of the finish line my friends cheer for me. It makes me feel as though I can do anything, say anything, and try anything and everything will be okay. People who want what's best for me. I've made my mistakes and every time they remind me I'm not the one with the problem. They share my confusion. They make me realize that even though I'm afraid of being alone I'm never going to be alone. I'd rather have that than another person stealing years from me. We share pain while others share tepid ephemeral lusts and bullshit. So much more than some are capable of understanding.

I'm a spider.
I let the flies go.
I try to catch a butterfly.
Their minds are blown as it rips right through my web.
"That should've worked." You've said this before but I can tell you mean it and it's worth so much to me.
I choose my pesticide and drink it knowing it repels myself.
I enjoy fighting myself. It's better than fighting maybe's in my mind.

Friends celebrate the word "NO."

(thanks be to big-sister-chan, my bro E.E., and my roommate)